I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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