This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
