I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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