My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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