Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
