I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
