why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
