Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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