Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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