oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
