I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
