My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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