There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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