Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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