the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
