She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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