Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
