I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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