his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
