Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
