Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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