when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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