my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
