I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
