I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
