Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
