I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
