Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
