I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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