***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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