fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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