He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
