There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
