On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
