my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
