Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
