youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
