Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
