It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
