Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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