Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
