Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
