I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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