new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
