The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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