Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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