At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
