He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
