I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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