I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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