That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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